Being that I grew up in Cleveland, I see the city in a different light. I see opportunity where others see a dead end. I see potential where others see disappointment. I see fun where others see a dirty city whose river caught fire.
But the one thing I don’t see is Lebron James dragging his sorry ass back to my city and everyone welcoming him with open arms. That is why I say to Lebron: stay in Miami, you skeezy dirtbag.
Yes, I know there are those of you who think if Lebron does, in fact. want to come back to Cleveland we should roll out the red carpet, take him back, and stop being the team everyone shits on, but us Clevelanders are stubborn, and we do NOT forget, or forgive that easily.
I would rather say “there’s always next year” a thousand times over before I’d ever want to Witness LBJ don Cleveland colors ever again. Okay, I’m not trying to be dramatic, but gouging my eyes out with a spork sounds far more enjoyable.
Sure, he dug Cleveland out of an on-going sports depression, but he also made fools out of a town that did nothing but praise him. His departure from Cleveland was completely unprofessional. It never should have been made into the spectacle that it was. If Lebron is planning on returning, I (and I’m sure many other Cavs fans share the same thoughts), believe that I am entitled to hearing a few things first:
1. He must grant me the right to punch him in the face. That’s a personal request.
2. He must reimburse Cleveland at least 30% of his first year’s salary for the emotional damage he inflicted upon us in his departure.
3. He must sign a contract stating, “I will not be a whiny little bitch and throw away games because I’m too preoccupied with pouting.”
4. No matter how awesome he thinks he is, he must publically and repeatedly acknowledge the fact that Josh Cribbs is way more awesome than he is. Josh Cribbs is the real hero of Cleveland <3
YES! That is awesome. Is it football season yet?!
5. And finally, he must recite the following speech, and it must be aired live and replayed on every type of media for at least 3 months. I also demand it be reprinted in the Plain Dealer and every resident of Cleveland will be given an authentically signed copy:
This process has not turned out in the way that I thought it would. I had hoped to maintain my king status in Miami, but as it turns out, I’m a bigger dick than I thought I was. I took Cavs fans for granted. Where I stood out in Cleveland, I’m stuck in the shadows in Miami. Not many people know my decision, only the small number I can count with my fingers. Actually I lied, everyone but the City of Cleveland knows my decision, I just didn’t want to come off like a bigger asshole than I already am. I’m so ashamed of myself.
This time around I’m not taking advice from any of my family or friends. Clearly my agent sucks. The decision I came to a long time ago is that I chose wrong before, and I’d like to take my talents back to Cleveland. It was all about sharing for me, and trying to share the headliner spot in Miami has just not been a success. There’s no such thing as “everyone having their own spotlight.” In the end, it has to be all about me. Cause I’m a tool.
I understand many of the Cavs fans burned my jersey, cut it up, or ran it over a couple times with their cars, but my jersey will be distributed to all fans in Cleveland free of charge. Yes, you can even still wear your shirts that say “the lying king” on it. Because let’s face it, that’s what I am.
I hope Cavs fans can find it in their hearts to forgive me, but I know I have a lot to prove. This time around, I won’t choke.
I’ve obviously made my stance clear, but I learned early on not to deal with a man’s bullshit. Where do you stand?